I often talk about this with myself and occasionally with friends. I have this urge to make a change in my life. To do something completely risky but do it with hope that it gives me a sense of freedom. I’m really not one for change but recently I have felt very locked by my current situation. I feel very lucky to live the life I do, have the family and friends that I have and have the experiences and accomplishments that I have but I feel that I have been stationary for too long. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m content with where my life is. It’s comfortable and I know exactly what to expect everyday. I think with being in school for so long that I have forgotten how to make decisions for myself. I always knew what would come but there was still enough excitement in my education that it was ok that it was predictable. Now that I’m graduated the possibilities of life are endless and yet I choose to stay put with my life everyday. I never wake up and make a change. I have a routine that I do and I hate when it gets disrupted. It stresses me out and gives me anxiety when I know there will be a change to my weekly habits. I’m not sure what this is a result of and I kind of see it as one of my biggest problems. There are a lot of things holding me back from making a big change in my life. The first one being my student loans. Some people can easily forget about these a hide from the payments. Not me. I choose to go to school so it is my duty to pay these loans off. My dad is also tied to my loans. If I don’t pay, he suffers. They come for him. I never wanted this to be the way it is but it would be impossible for me to have gone to school without his signature. I need to make sure I can always pay my bills. I can’t risk that. And sure, you might be thinking that I can work any job to make money to pay my bills. No. I refuse. I worked too hard to not work in my field. I work in it now and I see no point in changing my life to not work in a field I studied so hard to know. Second, where I am from. Not only are all my family and friends here but I live in a place that’s almost too good to leave. We have all the seasons, the best cities and towns, beaches and some of the best education around. New England is truly a great place with so much to offer. Lastly, my family and friends keep me here. Now that I’m done with school forever, I have a lot of time to spend with people that mean a lot to me. I still live at home which I think contributes to my feeling of stuckness but I don’t have a choice. I can’t afford it. I don’t believe in working my younger life away. So I refuse to have two, even three jobs. There’s a lot of refusal happening. I spend a great amount of time with my family and it means a lot to me. As I get older so don’t my parents and I fear the future and the loss of them. There’s a lot of reasons for me to stick around. And maybe this post was just to help me realize what’s around me but I still can’t help but crave a change of scenery. There’s always the ability to return but the risk of leaving is much greater. I just want a life that evokes excitement and experience. I traveled a lot in college and I think that grew my love of travel. I think because my life was planned for quite a few years that my lack of plan is causing me to stay stationary. I don’t feel that I am progressing through life and I know my life is now up to me to pave the way but I just feel so held back and too comfortable to leave.
Anyone else feel similar or felt this way in the past?
This post is more of a vent session for myself but I also think it’s important to share thoughts because sometimes we feel alone when many people are experiencing the same feelings and have the same thoughts as us.
Thanks for Listening
Seriously though, share you thoughts. Where are you now in your life journey?
*Photo above is an Art piece in the Museum of Fine Arts Boston. Not sure who made it and I believe it is meant to be wall paper.